Below is a guest blog from @bdonahueweedman (Twitter name) She is a housewives fan and as you’ll find out in just a second, NOT a Teresa fan…lol Follow her on twitter if you’re a member, she’ll make you laugh, she’s never dull! Enjoy! As always, if anyone is interested in Guest Blogging, I’m always happy to post.
Guest Blog from @bdonahueweedman
The GUIDICE PIGS: “Ain’t They NICE??!!”
A Bit Harsh you ask? I don’t think so. RHONJ has become so boring it’s almost unwatchable. I really don’t think the Manzo Mafia even “gets” that if not for Danielle, Love her or hate her, they would not be on TV. What are we going to watch Albie try and get into law school for the rest of his life? Or watch Caroline set whatever the Dad’s name is (and also the only normal person on this show)’s vitamins out for him every day? Yeah, I’m riveted. As I re-read this it occurs to me that I don’t know anyone who ‘loves’ Danielle, but if you like this show you better thank your lucky stars she’s on it because these shows thrive on conflict, and without conflict Bravo is not interested. Trust me people, television LIVES for capturing the worst in people, and they’ve got their work cut out for them on this show.
First let me Thank @LynnNChicago for letting me Guest Blog today. I have no idea where she, @RealOldHousewife and others get the energy. I am far too lazy, but this topic I MUST have a voice on, so I appreciate the forum, Lynn.
Although Teresa probably has the most horrific grasp of the English language that I have ever heard from anyone outside of a bus station, Mack-Truck, Mother Caroline is a close second. This is an actual sentence, that came from her mouth on Monday night’s episode, which found Jacqueline once again dragging Nicholas to The Mob Kitchen. This is WORD FOR WORD, and I quote:
“Cause I knew when I see crazy I know what crazy when I’m lookin at.”
If you are in any way defending this in your head? Just stop reading right now, because you are not going to like, much less understand the rest of this blog. Teresa’s latest: “Our 5 million dollah house AINT UNDAH Foreclosha!!” Its “IN” foreclosure you jackass, not UNDER. UNDER is the rock which you and your Oompa Loompa Piggy Husband crawled out from under on Casting Day for this miserable piece of shit show. If I hear Teresa scream “AINT EYE THE NYCEST POI-SON ?! AIN’T EYE?!” I’m going to put my head in the garbage disposal and turn it on. No, Teresa, you ain’t. You’re the most low-rent white trash (or Italian Trash, whichever you prefer), rag that I have ever seen on television, and that INCLUDES all the girls from The “Rock of Love”, “Real Chance at Love” and “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”
All of this hatred was just passive until about a month ago, when I saw something on television that I normally only see on an episode of Judge Judy If you don’t like Judge Judy, STOP READING. I have no tolerance for people who make excuses for their bad behavior. The episode involved the usual Danielle craziness, and Gia’s Birthday Party. Gia, Gia Gia. Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do. I seriously hope there is not one of you, even the poorest of the poor, that think for one second these children are privileged. These four girls do not have a shot in HELL at growing up to be normal, well-adjusted young ladies. Their Mother learned her speech and manners on a pirate ship , and Joe is just…..bad. He does that thing that a LOT of dad’s from MY Dad’s generation do; the only way they know how to show love is to tease you and buy you stuff. My Dad was never cruel in his teasing, and I knew from a very early age that he loved me, so I GET what Joe is doing; he showing them the only way he knows how, which is atrocious. On the way to Gia’s first runway show he’s yellin in the back seat “You got an ugly face, ya know that? Who wants to look at your ugly face?” and instead of Mommy intervening she says “Daddy’s teasin, honey”, which means :This is how he shows his love for you AINT IT FUN GEEE-YUH? AINT IT!?!” These two need to get their asses into some family counseling NOW and learn how to talk to these kids. I have never once heard Teresa call them anything endearing. And I never see her get down to their level and look them in the eyes. This bothers me a LOT. All she does is screech their names and tries to jam them into these clothes and ribbons and bows and brush on their hair until they’re crying. Yes the girls like to look cute, but there are times when you can tell they’ve had enough and she still insists on the brushing, brushing, picking out tights, shoes, coats (don’t even get me started on the manners when they go shopping-there ARE NONE. NO RULES. I know Mothers like this. They think their children are entitled to wreck a store just because Mom is throwing down a couple of grand in cash. Last night when Kim G walked into the Boutique (which seems to be the only store in New Jersey) Teresa says “What is SHE doing here?” She’s SHOPPING OR TRYING TO GET CAMERA TIME OR THE PRODUCERS TOLD HER TO GO THERE YOU IDIOT. SHUT THE FUCK UP! This is not YOUR planet, Teresa. Or your show for that matter. Sure you’re the mouthy, gaudy, nasty one, but is this REALLY how you parent your children? And this constantly begging for approval from EVERYONE! “D’ya LYKE it GEE-Uh? DEW ya? Ain’t it pretty? Ain’t Mommy Nice? Ain’t Mommy pretty? Aint you kids lucky to have this lifestyle? D’ya love me? Dew ya huney?” ad nauseum. Every show, without fail it’s the CONSTANT need for “Camera approval”. I don’t even think you DO this OFF camera Teresa, so why do it ON? As you would say “Who TALKS like that? Who DOES that?”
Which brings me to the real reason for my blog today.
A month ago I watched in Horror (though not surprise) at this freak show you called a Birthday party . Of course it has to be pathetically over-the-top, as out-do-ing everyone at all costs is priority one. NOT what the kids want, what YOU want the world to see. Guess What? WE’RE THROWING UP. IT’S NOT WORKING. You really go off on Bethenny a lot. You think she doesn’t have troubles and problems? You know why no one exploits hers? Cause she’s a decent human being. Not putting on this Parade of Vulgarity you force-feed us every week. Of course you could say, “Well then don’t watch!” Unfortunately, Mainstream America, myself included, watch with glee to be reminded week after week that no amount of money, cookbooks, surgery (plastic or otherwise ) can make a truly putrid human being look good.
So all of Gia’s “friends” are paraded in, gift after gift heaped on top of her, their Mommies so excited to see their little ones be ‘TV stars’ for a day, until the Limo pulls up to a new round of screams. Thank God you were able to interject and remind us how ‘expensive’ everything was, because we didn’t know that. People who aren’t rich are stupid, right? AINT WE??
Talking about how you “bought out” the salon for the day, although I’m guessing your Bravo buddies got it all for free for the advertising, as well as the limo company (see folks, most of this shit is FREE because businesses know they can’t BUY the kind of advertising a 2 minute clip on this show will get them. Limo? Free. Salon? Free. Yes folks Big T didn’t have to open her Dolce bag ONCE for that shit. The only thing that was actually paid for, was probably the ATV. Ah yes…and here we get to the heart of it. As Gia is grabbing then tossing gifts with the lightning speed of the truly greedy (and don’t give me “youth” because my 6 year old niece knows you give everyone their ‘moment’ and say Thank You to the person when opening gifts), here comes Daddy Warbucks down the road and Gia can hardly breathe at the thought of another present. The BIG present. Yes I know this filming took hours, and editing, schmediting; with the younger two in tears we watched as PigDad unloads a Pink ATV!! Of course, we can’t even tell what Gia thinks because all we can hear is the familiar screeching of “DO YA LOVE IT GEE-YUH? DO YA LOVE IT? AIN’T IT GREAT? Ain’T IT? Do ya LOVE IT!?” until Gia said (God Love her) “YES MOM I LOVE IT NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Okay maybe not the last part, but it was all over her face. Well Gia wants on that thing NOW (“Daddee *I* want a Golden Goose!!”) so FUCK SAFETY, right T? Even your douchenozzle husband can’t connect enough brain cells together to say “No, you need a helmet”. HELL no! Gia needs it NOW!!!! You could almost see the tiny hard-on in Joe’s crotch that his disgusting display of money was being captured on TELEVISION no less!! Hell put the 5 year old on there too and let them zoom off into the sunset so Teresa can give Joe a well-needed hummer…he hasn’t had sex with her for 15 minutes and fuck it that she’s ten seconds away from her water breaking. Hell that’s just LUBE where Joe comes from! Yee-Haw! Our smart guys at Bravo know they have just filmed GOLD my friends, you think not one of those cameramen, handlers, stylists was going to step in and lose their job by saying “Uh…s’cuse me….isn’t this illegal?” Hell yes it is! But Fuck it that’s what Gia wants so off she flies with baby sister clinging on for dear life. Easily a quarter mile down the driveway and back again, and as one Tweeter pointed out those balloons get caught in one of those tires and BAM both of those kids are dead. INSTANTLY. How you going to find them cute outfits when they’re in little rhinestone wheelchairs Teresa? You going to put ribbons on the halo’s screwed into their heads because they are paralyzed? (It’s a medical device, Teresa. Not REAL Halo’s). I immediately began Tweeting about this and to my surprise only a few women got behind me on this. I don’t even HAVE kids and I know Child Protective Services needs a copy of this tape TOOTS SWEET.
As long as they’re not dead, let’s get em to FIGHT each Other! EXCELLENT idea! Last night Joe watched in glee as once again the girls were crying and punching and kicking each other. I have no doubt the owner of the Tai Kwan Do school was the one who insisted on the protective gear and Teresa was there to assure us her little girls were ‘fighters’. That awesome, T! Great Job.
Lastly since you are so fucking DENSE, all of these people you re “following” on Twitter now? Yes, a few will be lured by your sick brand of ‘celebrity ‘ but most know you are just doing damage control. To the people you “Block” ? Even @BravoAndy isn’t stupid enough to block people. ALL PUBLICITY IS GOOD PUBLICITY, YOU DUMBSHIT. If You can’t take on your own haters, then HIRE someone to ‘only read you the good stuff’, a trick your dumbass buddy Jill Zarin and now the ‘Manzo_Team” tried. You can dish it out but you sleazebags can’t take it. Take your $5 million dollar house and shove it up your ass sideways, I’m sure there will be plenty of room left over! ‘AINT I NICE TERESA? Aint i????”