Thank you to Squirrels for the blog on the most recent episode of Big Brother 12! Enjoy!
Big Brother 12 Who’s the Boss?
Squirrels – Nature’s Little Speed Bumps
Once again, we return to the paint can teaser scene from the last episode. Taking paint balling to a new absurd level, the houseguests are required to stand with their backs to the can as it spins, spits, splatters and whack-a-mole’s around and around like a circa 1920’s poor man’s amusement ride. Not only is this ride ridiculous, it’s boring. My DVR had it spinning for a full 20 minutes, commercial interruptions included. Eight minutes in I was praying the crew would put that stupid can into overdrive and watch the contestants fly off like unsuspecting riders on a merry-go-round gone berserk. At least then, I’d be exhausted from the action, not from having to stay up late.
While this travesty of viewer justice continued, we got the talking heads version of “Weeeeeeee……” Kristen is gone. Rachel illustrates she cannot change her mouse voice squealing patterns, nor the color of her wig, and Regan finally changes the subject by bemoaning the fact he was once a “Have Not.” I almost feel sorry for him, but can’t. This little dude is playing the game for keeps. He doesn’t give a rat’s tail about who went before him to the proverbial spring-loaded, cheese adorned trap. He just wants to eat a decent meal. I coughed up phlegm on that one.
Throughout this spinning wheel, minus the trumpets excitement, Enzo, the rough and tumble big man on his own, never been to college campus, spewed platitudes of his hatred of Brendon. Here I yawned, then took a squirt of my Cheeze Whiz to revive. It seems Enzo is only too happy to let the challenge do the dirty work to rid the house of the brainiac you want around if you are caught in an undertow. He follows through by using his monster brain, strategizing by taking a dive 26:16, knowing the other Brigade members will tow the line and have his back. Oh yeah, without you on the can, Brendon will definitely follow. Huh? What? Wimp!!! He even has the nerve to say, “My bad guys, my bad man.” Where’s a spork when I need one?
Meanwhile, Britney is mainly concerned that the paint infiltrated her pristine mouth and may stain her teeth. Kathy jumps ship, and at 12:55 becomes the only “Have Not” of the week. Sucks to be her right? Maybe not. Something tells me she’s not as weak as the others believe. We shall see.
Lane complains his biceps are beginning to hurt throughout the exercise and flashes his big muscles to show he really isn’t a weenie, but a force to be reckoned with. We’ll get to who’s the man with physical staying power in a bit.
Poor, sweet, altruistic Rachel. She’s alone in that she isn’t subjected to the oxygen deprivation muscles go through when placed in a singular position over time. Hey – I didn’t say brain muscle, just muscle, so relax. She begins to chant a mantra. “Go Brandon; you can do it, you’re the best ever. She so wishes it was she up there instead of Brendon. Yeah, sure. Her eloquent musings go on for another five minutes. At 36:09, Brendon takes the cheese and gets smacked down. The crowd roars. Rachel, who isn’t quite as dumb as dirt realizes she’s screwed. Way to go “man of my dreams”.
Regan continues to complain about Stevie Wonder and the wheel continues to spin. One by one, the contestants fall off the face of the earth. Brendon begins his hike along the trail of self-pity. Finally, at 1:10:26 Regan makes the strategic decision to jump for safety, leaving Matt, the other skinny dude, the winner. So much for muscle heads. BTW, that was not an endurance challenge, that had potential of doing major muscular/nerve damage. But it made for great TV, right? Ugh.
Moving on, PLEASE!
Rachel is not only pissed, she’s justifiably frightened for her own existence in this little $500K world. Woe is she, Queen Bee no more. I’ll skip the let’s see Matt’s HOV private bedroom revealing. Nothing to see here folks, move along. Meanwhile, back at the I love you more than life itself ranch, Brendon knows he’s in a spot. Rachel has pulled her weight and he’s done zilch but pluck her eyebrows for her, lovingly of course. Rachel is not pleased to have that target on her back. Seems big jugs don’t work in this game. Brendon is beginning to look like a hanger-on. Surprise!
Matt, get the chance to open Pandora’s Box. He does and discovers he has a zircon encrusted necklace, giving him Darth Vadar veto power to use within the next two evictions. He not only gets to veto, he is allowed to play Sampson by his right to choose the next elimination victim. I’m soooo excited. He draws a plan with Crayola red #2 and tries to bamboozle the house with, “I have no idea what’s coming and I think I may also be the brunt of it.” Genius! Matt should have been the new saboteur, but for the f’n lie he used with his wife’s nonexistent major illness. Can you spell S C U M?
Regan makes another appearance with his Marlon Brando, Streetcar Named Desire, wounded macho man …. Oh never mind. He’s the new saboteur and he’s doing it for the American public, not for himself, Mr. Sincerity, nor the $20K he’s promised if he can survive two eliminations. More to come on that I suppose. Gee, I can’t wait.
Down to the nitty gritty. It’s time to make alliances. Any guesses who begins the game? I know you all win. Ding, ding, ding….. you got it – Rachel. She’s sweating the bullets Jill Zarin closed her eyes to at the shooting range. ( I still hate Jill Zarin, but I digress). Rachel corrals Matt with her massive tatas, but doesn’t notice Regan is sitting on the same sofa. She begins to deny she is there to bully, but gets right into bullying. Defensive with no concept of strategy, she continues to dig a quick sand hole. Way to go girl. She couldn’t fight herself out of a paper bag, never mind a discussion with any intelligent human being. Cheez Whiz gone, I begin to suck down what’s left of this can of Whippit. Someone save me now from the 70’s. Brendon gets involved and nothing good comes of it. Just more platitudes and Matt gets a voyeur woody over the entire experience.
OMG…. The saboteur makes an appearance. Matt is convinced he screwed up by opening Pandora’s Box. Poor booby. Eyes dart around the room and no one has a clue. Saddly, Regan looks like the proverbial deer in the headlights. I think the nitrous oxide has gotten to my head.
After suffering through yet another commercial for Lego Land, CA, we get back to the good stuff. Nominations! Matt is eloquent in his I’m going to screw you but want you to look at me as a good guy speech. Brendon calls Matt a weasel. Oooo, that hurt. After a long drawn out 56 minutes we are treated to Rachel and Brendon being hauled in front of a crowd of hundreds as the lambs to slaughter. What shall the housemates do? Tune in next time, same bat shit time, same bat shit channel.
Thanks again Squirrel for the great Blog!
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Until Next Time…