I Hate Jill Zarin Guest Blog – Housewives and Their Assistants
By: Quincy IL
The Empress’s New Clothes
We have heard rumors that Real housewives (Jill Zarin) travel with hair stylists and makeup people in the past, but when we were plopped down in the Hills of Beverly in with palaces that sport Buckingham gates, we were introduced to lifestyles fit for the Aristocracy. Camille, the wife of the greatest actor in the Universe, Kelsey Grammer, holds court in her palace by the sea/Malibu in a court yard filled with waterscapes and beautiful flowering plants. A house manager/cook, an assistant who also act as cooks, 4 full time nannies, and a gardener (who picks beautiful arrangements of limes and oranges placing them on the counter in attractive arrangements hours before the entire household is moved to Hawaii because Camille likes the look of fruit on the counter in arrangements,) and Dede, best friend/hair dresser/confident/life style coach all serve Camille’s whims as royal courts and ladies in waiting once served the Queens of Europe. We have not met the many housekeepers who swarm the halls to polish the marbles floors (eat your heart out Teresa Giudice,) because in all great tales of queens, we never meet the scullery maids (unless the scullery maid is the object of affection of the King.)
Like the courts in Europe, the courtiers and ladies in waiting are there to serve, to listen and to partake in the benefits of living in royal courts. If you are a member of the Privy Chamber, you are given homes to live in when your husband goes bankrupt. You are given a car to drive when you have no transportation. You are taken on trips to mansions in Hawaii and allowed to share the Queen’s hot tub which is heated (the Kings was not turned on so not to waste energy.) The only stipulation is that you nod and smile as the Queen explains your financial failures on international television and you must thank her royal highness for your existence every day of your life.
Dede, the Queen’s favorite is with Camille day and night. She serves Queen Camille as a hairdresser and holds the reflecting glass so that the Queen can admire her own beauty, talent, and generosity to her friends. When the Queen claims to have a Jesus Complex, Dede nods in accordance to the wishes of the Queen.
When the Queen goes to war after long hours of studying “The Art of War,” Dede is there to support and encourage the Queen in her own delusions. Dede knows the truth of conversations in Vegas that she did not hear. She reminds the Queen of the Queen’s owns word reinforcing the sense that her royal highness has been betrayed.
Dede, as spokesperson explains why Camille is misunderstood by her subjects explaining that “ever since I have known Camille, girls have been jealous of her.” When describing the Queen’s role in the dispute, she tells us that “Camille was a good girl.” She tells us that Kyle’s husband is the ex-realtor. “I don’t think you will be calling him to sell any houses in the future.” She in her role as chief consoler/lifestyle coach when discussing the NYC restaurant comments of Kyle as “pathetic.” When Queen Camille decides to end the daily tweets to her loyal subjects, Dede is there to tweet back in full agreement that the Queen has been misunderstood by the peasant mobs.
Others have served as BFFs and employee of the reality queens before. Brad Boles was the court jester/gay husband/makeup artist/ decorator/ of Jill Zarin for two seasons. In the third season, Brad was banished from court and desperately sought the favor of Queen Jill. When asked repeatedly about her gay husband, Brad, the Queen explained that he was traveling. Brad’s crime was he was critical of the Queen on camera. He dismissed her concerns about items in her home. He told us how Jill always complains. He let us know that the Queen has no taste in decorating and in fashion. He fell short of mid century modern and when another uttered the words, “Liberace, Versace.” Brad took the blows. It didn’t help when Brad would get loaded at parties and accost attractive gigolos like Max. Banishment is a harsh punishment. Brad was delighted to be invited to the renewal ceremony of Ramona. His face was on scene for a fraction of a second. His pleas to return to the court have fallen on death ears.
Dwight of Atlanta was the court jester in Nene’s kingdom for two seasons. He delighted the Queen of Atlanta with races wearing high heels and unusual fashions which were fit for a queen. Dwight made the queen laugh, sided with her in her battles, and helped her with her makeup and hair. Dwight’s exile was made permanent at a high heel shoe party when Nene backed him into a corner and later told us that he could never be trusted because he had made a loan to Gregg. Dwight is now in the court of Queen Phaedra. He serves her with dancing and trips to the horse races wearing colorful costumes and hats for her pleasure. Of course, Queen Nene is always prepared for battle so this saga has not ended.
Kim Zolciak’s, assistant Sweetie, is more of a royal lapdog than an assistant. Kim tells Sweetie to hurry up, to shut up, and to pour the wine into the coffee cup. As long as Sweetie doesn’t gasp and invoke the good book when Kim makes outrageous statements, she should remain in the Zolciak realm for a long time.
The most important attribute of a good servant to reality royalty is the ability to always agree with the thoughts of the queen and never tell her that her royal garb is invisible. If she asks if she is exposing too much breast, smile and look down at the table. It’s called survival.
Thank you Quincy, as always, another fantastic blog! Lynn~
Until Next Time….