I Hate Jill Zarin Real Housewives of Atlanta Dec 13, 2010
Bravo’s Christmas present to us all, The Real Housewives of Atlanta aired last night and it really is the most comical Housewives Franchise.
Where else can you see a bad wig wearing, chain smoking , boob hanging out hooker-like chick laying there getting $3,000 laser treatments to remove the fat while shoving pizza and mozzarella sticks in her face? Kim Zolciak is a cartoon character, she’s a tool, and no one is that stupid, that selfish and that lazy, are they?
I’m still trying to figure out why Kandi is helping this woman and why NeNe keeps coming back for more Zolciak abuse. Kandi is planning a tour and is taking Kim along as her opening act. Why? No one seems to know but in an attempt to prepare Kim, she was put in a room with yet another poor soul wasting his time trying to help her. This time it was dancing, a routine that Kim was to learn to go along with her Tardy For The Party performance, and Kim refused to take it seriously.
Kim’s main concern was that she would always be able to see herself in the mirror, primping and adjusting her hair, clothing and posing was more important than actually learning the routine. Kim tells viewers that she is “Probably even better at dancing than she is at singing”.
She’s best at being a lazy goof-off actually because she takes nothing seriously. She is so lazy that she insisted that her instructor perform the routine while she watched and she wasn’t even courteous enough to watch. More of that great example she sets for her children. Take shortcuts, don’t take anything seriously, don’t appreciate anything that is done for you and don’t go to the gym. Rather be lazy, let your friends down, be selfish and do whatever you want, following no rules whatsoever.
Kandi’s attempt to make her tour a professional show failed spectacularly when she chose Kim as her opening act. Kim, the one hit wonder, was provided with tools that she needed to learn a routine and improve her voice but informed us that she would dance to her own beat while singing her own tune. Unfortunately she can’t dance or sing so all the help in the world that Kandi sends Kim’s way is futile.
Kandi arrives at Sheree’s house to help Sheree with her new acting gig. They’re going to run lines together to help Sheree learn both of her (two) lines perfectly. I really love how Bravo ensures that there is always comedy in the show. Sheree isn’t going to be paid for this theatre production but she is in the self-proclaimed pivotal role of the friend of the lead character. The strangest name for a play, “Child Support Man” revolves around a woman who is obviously still in love with her ex-husband who does pay child support but tells everyone he does not pay.
Sheree and Kandi give us a bit of inside information both admitting that they do not receive child support from their respective ex’s. Sheree is rather evasive when Kandi asks her how she makes ends meet because we all know that Sheree is too pretty to work. Her response is that she has some savings and “stuff”. Could Sheree be that woman in the play, is she receiving child support but telling the world that she’s not?
Kandi and Kim cannot attend Sheree’s play, Kim will be out of town in Los Angeles getting her real hair colored. Don’t ask! And Kandi is just too busy preparing for the upcoming tour but Cynthia, NeNe and even Phaedra agree to attend Sheree’s play.
While Kim is completely confusing the hell out of her fat cells by having them melted with a laser at the same time as she’s feeding them pizza, Cynthia asks NeNe if they can talk privately.
NeNe is reluctant and I think that our little NeNe is growing up, she really doesn’t want the drama, not on screen and not off screen. She actually says no twice to this private meeting but finally gives in as the two go into Kim’s kitchen to talk privately. Cynthia explains why there has been no communication over the past few weeks and it makes sense to no one, but NeNe accepts it and is ready to re-join the fat burning party, further proving that she’s not into the drama.
Unfortunately Cynthia is not finished.
Cynthia presents NeNe with a peace offering, a sweet smelling candle because she knows that NeNe loves candles. Great! NeNe again tries to leave the kitchen having made peace with Cynthia but nothing doing, Cynthia pulls out a contract from her handbag because apparently NeNe also likes legal documents?
This “Friend Contract” was actually pretty funny and had Cynthia presented it as a joke it may not have been such a creepy scene, sort of like Kelly and her fish bowl comment cards in St. John, it was all just a bit too strange. Cynthia explained the three page document that included not going to sleep mad at one another, attending life changing events, and ending the friendship only with a notarized letter signed by the President of the United States. It really could have been funny if Cynthia had presented it as a joke but she seemed pretty serious about it and even went through with the signing of the document, having it notarized, copied and filed with the Clerk of the Circuit Court. (Ok I made up the last part)
Meanwhile back at Phaedra’s fruitcake central, grocery store inventory was being delivered and again Apollo is missing in action, (maybe he DOES have a job?) but Phaedra’s mom is there apparently to help with the baby but only seems to be eating the couple out of house and home. There was certainly enough food to feed an army in that house apparently sent by Dwight who must have known Phaedra’s mom was visiting. Lots of mmmm’s and ahhh’s ensue as the food is consumed.
Dwight visits the new mommy and baby but the baby is quickly whisked away after nursing by Phaedra’s mom so that the two hens can gossip.
Dwight is quite the storyteller, he tells Phaedra that he attended Kandi’s birthday party and has so much news, unfortunately it was not so much news as a fairytale. Dwight failed to mention that as he was talking with Cynthia and Kim, the subject of Phaedra’s baby’s due date came up. Bravo is kind enough to show us the flashback of the conversation while Dwight completely twists the words and embellishes what was said.
Dwight tells Phaedra that Cynthia and Kim, the nurse, were talking about Phaedra having an “alien baby” but he failed to mention that they were referring to the gestational period of a human being, in fact the always brilliant Kim Zolciak said, “It takes 10 months for a baby to cook”. Dwight’s imagination came up with the added fingers and toes nonsense seemingly to fuel the fire between Phaedra and Cynthia.
Dwight not only got the verbiage wrong, he got the wrong Housewife. I’m not sure how he had trouble distinguishing between Cynthia and Kim as only one has a brain and only one is stunningly beautiful and only one didn’t completely insult Phaedra. Kim was the hate spewing Housewife and Cynthia said very little yet got the wrath of Dwight’s story putting Kim’s words in Cynthia’s mouth.
Phaedra and Dwight have a lot of fun with their fairytale story, calling Kim a stripper, uneducated, jealous and even suggested that Kim may have gotten a nursing degree online for $59.00. Actually, they may have been pretty close to the truth. Phaedra explains that she went to school and got a law degree so that she wouldn’t have to listen to or deal with people like Kim Zolciak. I’m not saying that it isn’t a great reason to get a law degree, hell I might even go to Law School if I’d never have to see Kim again, but doesn’t Phaedra defend drug dealers and “one hit wonders” in her law practice?
Phaedra seems to be pretty proud of herself for being a married woman, she slams both Cynthia and Kim for not being married and at least three times mentions that they must be jealous of her for having a husband. Apparently Phaedra hadn’t yet heard the news of Cynthia’s engagement but in any case, why is having a husband such an accomplishment? Even more important, why is she basing her worth on being married? More important than that, why is she hanging out with Dwight?
The night of Sheree’s play arrives and as the ladies arrive and take their seats, Sheree is getting her hair done by the always fantastic Lawrence. After having convinced Sheree that he can, in fact, carry a tune earlier in the episode, tonight is all about Sheree. We learn that neither Sheree’s new agent nor her acting coach will be available to watch the play but with her two line performance she’s ready for films now.
NeNe is annoyed that she didn’t just sit in her car and pop into the theatre during the last 2 minutes when Sheree finally made her stage debut, but refreshed after her nap NeNe congratulated Sheree on her crackerjack delivery of those two lines, clearly NeNe agreed, she’s ready for film.
Phaedra received congratulations all around for giving birth to her baby boy and Cynthia gets the snark of the night award for confronting Phaedra with having had a “Full-Term” baby. Since Kandi was there and witnessed Phaedra’s very own doctor confirming that the baby was full term and Kandi obviously shared it with the other ladies, Phaedra was busted! Not knowing what to say to that, Phaedra decided to turn the tables and confront Cynthia about calling her baby an alien while telling the viewers that she doesn’t understand the fascination with her baby’s due date.
Cynthia corrected Phaedra and suggested that Phaedra check her sources because Cynthia never said anything about an “alien baby” and of course Dwight made up the rest so checking the “source” isn’t going to change much but maybe Dwight will recall that it was Kim’s nasty mouth that came up with the “alien baby” nonsense. Maybe if Phaedra had just been honest about her due date, people wouldn’t be so fixated on it. That husband that she’s so proud of married her while she was already pregnant, no one really cares much except Phaedra.
Peter was the bigger man and apologized to NeNe for the way he spoke with her on the phone and the way that he’d treated her, he explained that he was a bit annoyed at the frequency of phone calls between his fiancé and NeNe. He was a bit stressed over business and his upcoming wedding but he recognized that NeNe is going through some issues as well and needs someone to talk to. Now that NeNe has signed a friendship contract, Peter has no choice but to accept his lady’s friend, it’s the law.
Finally, NeNe lost a few points by sharing the friendship contract with Kim Zolciak, while the scene was actually pretty funny, the jokes were at Cynthia’s expense and it just seemed rather mean. NeNe could have kept the contract confidential, it certainly appears as though Cynthia is a whole lot better friend to NeNe than Kim Zolciak so why share it with Kim when everyone knows that Kim will simply ridicule it. In the end Cynthia tweeted last night that the contract was meant to be a joke and even made a jab at herself by saying she had plenty more copies of the contract if anyone is interested in being her friend.
If given a choice between any of the Atlanta ladies, I think most of us would choose Cynthia to be friends with over any of the others, I know I would!
NeNe Leakes has such a great sense of humor, check out this clip:
Judge Nene on @hulu: http://t.co/9Lul5B2
I’ve started a series inspired by Mickey Mouth called, “Portrait of a Housewife” published on my Yahoo page, I’ve written about Lisa and Camille from The Beverly Hills Housewives series you can find them here:
Portrait of a Housewife – Camille Grammer @ http://look.ac/hie17m
Portrait of a Housewife – Lisa Vanderpump @ http://look.ac/h2wUfs
My latest podcast has been released just moments ago, my very first interview ever, for it to be with THE Sonja Morgan was really an honor for me, I hope you’ll take a few moments to listen:
You will also find my interview with Tabatha Coffey of Tabatha’s Salon Takeover, if you haven’t heard it yet, here:
REALITY BUZZ with LYNN HUDSON featuring Salon Queen TABATHA COFFEY http://j.mp/eQhe7x
Until Next Time…