I Hate Jill Zarin The Real Housewives of New York Season 4
I know what you’re thinking…Season four? But Season four has been postponed, no one knows what happens yet because mean old Andy Cohen stopped the airing and continues to edit it, tweak it, dare I say…FIX IT?
Never fear, our very own Quincy has written her version of what will happen on Season Four of The Real Housewives of New York…enjoy!
The Real Housewives of New York City Season 4
Someone is Missing
The Countess is waiting at a table on the very windy outdoor patio of a famous Hamptons’ restaurant, Applebees. Everyone is late and the Countess is not pleased. KellyKilloren*, once known as KellyKillorenBensimon, has arranged this luncheon. The Countess was ten minutes later than the email invitation indicated. Ten minutes is the acceptable amount of time to arrive late for a small luncheon according to the rule books of etiquette written in the 1950s. It’s now twenty minutes after that time and the Countess is looking at her very expensive diamond watch. Sonja Morgan arrives and she smiles when the Countess tells her that Kelly, the hostess, has not arrived. Sonja orders a cocktail. The Countess and Sonja have a lot in common. They have always clicked. From the distance, they hear, “Hiiiiiii!” KellyKilloren has arrived. KellyKilloren’s skin is very shiny as she uses baby oil in the shower and her hair is perfumed with a fragrance. The Countess and Sonja suggest moving inside as they are beginning to feel the cold wind, but KellyKilloren ignores them and starts to talk about her neon yellow slacks that barely cover her feminine assets, her endangered leopard vest, and riding boots.
The waitress arrives in a winter coat to ask the ladies if they would like to order something to drink. KellyKilloren says, “It is too early to drink!” The waitress asks if they would like water or a soft drink. The Countess asks for “a Manhattan on the Rocks.” Sonja requests “a glass of Chardonnay.” KellyKilloren wants a diet Pepsi with a shot of Patron.
Sonja mentions that our friend has gone to Australia for a week with her husband Bobby. KellyKilloren says, “It is not nice to gossip!” Kelly quickly adds, “Jill is authentic and real.” KellyKilloren shares, “I am so happy to be with friends who really understand how difficult is to be famous.” There is silence. Kelly then cheerfully chirps, “Our friendships are real and authentic.” The Countess looks at Sonja and says, “Yes, Jill is in Australia for a week with Bobby, but when she comes back….” Kelly interrupts, “We should not gossip for it is not nice.” Sonja smiles. The Countess smiles. Sonja attempts to start a new line of thought that Kelly might allow. Sonja states that she was fortunate to see Alex walk during Fashion Week, but Kelly stops Sonja from finishing her thought with the comment, “Alex shouldn’t do that!” Again, there is silence. The food arrives. Sonja and the Countess begin to eat, but Kelly is playing with her hair and her feather bandanna. The bandanna is the newest fad in NYC started by KellyKilloren. It is a bright yellow cloth covered with the feathers of pigeons. People are stunned when she wears it in the streets of Manhattan. KellyKilloren is a fashion trend setter.
Sonja asks KellyKilloren if she would like to attend a fundraiser at her expensive, but empty town house in the most exclusive part of Manhattan. KellyKilloren says, “When I was 16, I was named the most charitable person in Illinois.” The Countess and Sonja smile and their eyes meet. Sonja begins to describe photographs of African children that will be shown to the guests. KellyKilloren interjects, “I take photos of my closet and put them on the internet to share with my fans.” The Countess smiles and says, “We know you do, Darling.” Sonja is feeling the chardonnay and she mentions that she has found another lover. KellyKilloren shouts, “I don’t want to hear that!” There is silence. The rain pours down on the threesome. Then, Countess and Sonja thank KellyKilloren for the lunch and walk quickly to their expensive cars while KellyKilloren fumbles in her purse trying to find her credit card. After paying for the lunch and having difficulty in calculating the tip, KellyKilloren walks to her pick-up truck with her yellow bandanna and very wet feathers on the top of her head.
Alex and Simon are riding in a black limousine on their way to a club in Manhattan to meet Ramona and Mario. Simon and Mario have become friends and they enjoy spending time together. Ramona now tolerates Alex. Alex does not mind spending time with Ramona. Alex tells Simon that she is not sure about Ramona as she knows Ramona has been speaking to Jill Zarin on the phone. It seems the relationship between Jill and Ramona is good at the moment so Alex is concerned. She tells Simon to be very careful if the conversation about Jill comes up. Simon says, “Darling, I will always be your wing man.” Alex knows that might not be the case. She also tells him that there is an agreement among the ladies that there will be no mention of a friend who has moved forward in a very positive way. Simon says, “Darling, I am at your beck and call.” Alex looks out of the window.
Alex and Simon greet Ramona and Mario at the fashionable club, Tony’s Bar and Grill, for drinks. Ramona is already happy. Mario seems happy too. Alex and Simon order drinks. Before Alex can say a word, Ramona chastises her for her treatment of Jill Zarin. Alex is taken by surprise as she feels she is the person being shunned and attempts to defend herself. Ramona describes Jill as a new person who was victimized last year and doesn’t deserve such treatment. Alex turns beet red and can not get a word in edgewise. Simon sees his darling wife’s distress. Simon says, “Ramona, you look incredibly youthful, do you have a painting of Dorian Grey locked in your closet?” The question goes over Ramona’s head. She takes this comment as a compliment and describes her skin care routine followed by a description of how she squats 250 times per day. Mario laughs as he watches a very attractive waitress walk away from their table. Simon has saved the moment if not the day. Maybe, Simon is a good wingman after all.
Ramona spies a raven haired beauty with a great sense of humor in the distance. Ramona tells Alex that this friend owns a Laser Hair Removal Emporium that Ramona and Jill Zarin love to frequent. Ramona tells Alex that she is planning a spa day for friends at the Emporium the day after Jill Zarin returns from Australia. Ramona invites Alex. Simon says, “I find hair removal fascinating, do they have male clients?” Mario laughs. Ramona is shocked to say the least. She tells Simon that he is not invited to her spa day. Simon says, “I am so gutted, Ramona.” Mario asks Ramona to dance. She immediately gets up and yells, “It’s turtle time!” Everyone laughs.
On a continent far, far away, Jill Zarin is alone with Bobby Zarin. She misses Ginger, her pet dog. She looks forward to her return to New York City and the Laser Hair Removal at her new best friend’s Emporium. She does not know that Alex has been invited. That is information that no one wants to share with Jill Zarin. Ramona will cross that bridge when the time comes. Alex crosses that bridge to Manhattan from Brooklyn almost every day.
To Be Continued…
Nice work Quincy! I look forward to episode two…
In other RHONY News, Alex McCord’s husband Simon Vankempen had a bit of a Twitter battle with a few fans.
As I’ve been reporting a Twitter friend named Chris (yes, she is a female) took over Kelly’s abandoned Twitter name, @Kikilet. Reports are now that Simon sent a private DM to Chris asking her to please not Tweet with Kelly’s old @Kikilet name. Simon allegedly asked Chris to just “park” the name so that no one else can use it and to stop Tweeting with that name.
Some RHONY fans were a bit insulted by that request and felt that maybe Simon was joining the other team (The Jill / Kelly team) and that all of their support of Alex against this duo had been in vain.
Take a look at one Twitter members take on the situation:
On Sunday 13th February 2011, @Damnert said:
You have had the support of fans for one reason. You and Alex have been real.
You have been personally attacked for that quality by Jill and Kelly and had become our favorites, so to speak.
Everyone stepped up to the plate with Bravo, Andy, in the blogs, in the Celeb Rags
You even encouraged us to speak up on your behalf if we felt what was happening to you was wrong.
Now all of us are “haters” according to you since you’ve kissed and made up with the “BitchesOfBravo”.
Jill, ignore the “haters” Kelly, I’ll protect you and DM the big baaaddddd person that took
over the @kikilet name and tell her to stop picking on poor lil youuuuuu.
YOU, sir, are a poser. You are not real, your life is not real, and most of all your HONESTY is not real.
I am not the only one who thinks this, nor am I the only one who would like to see a few of these fake housewife shows go away.
BTW @kikilet is most probably the most talented parody on twitter.
So go kiss Jill and KooKoos ass and here’s wishing you the last season on #RHONY you’re all fakes.
@SimonVanKempen: Assumptions can be dangerous!
@SimonVankepen: To that all I can say is you definitely need to #WatchWhatHappens come #RHoNY S4 & as I tweeted earlier it’s so dangerous to assume! 😉
@Damnert:TO: @SimonvanKempen Yes, I noticed that too late. That’s sad as you missed all the tweets of how my respect for you has depleted considerably.
@SimonVanKempen: Should I be upset?
TO: @SimonvanKempen Bethenny plugs products, you keep plugging your own webshow and S4. I get occasionally doing it but it’s like Jill on WWHL with Andy “It’s in the book” “read the book” “you’ll have to buy the book” UGH.
@SimonVanKempen: 95% of my tweets are in response to questions from my Twitter followers who follow me because I’m on #RHoNY so sorry if that’s what we talk about. But I rarely plug anything other than that. #UnFollowingIsFree
@Damnert: TO: @SimonVanKempen OHhhh wait, so season 4, when I watch is gonna cover your DMing Chris wanting her to give Kelly her name back ? #NOt
@SimonVankempen: I own that, but honestly don’t see the disconnect. As a gentleman I believe that there are right ways & wrong ways & what Chris did, while fair game, was wrong. If that DM is what’s pissed you off then you really are a “one note”. #LifeIsWayMoreComplicatedThanThat
Damnert TO @SimonvanKempen No problem Simon, I mean, a lot of our issues this year was the way your wife was treated in not such a “lady like fashion” by Jill and Krazy Kelly.
We’ll just laugh and chalk it up to the fun of bravo if they ever demand not filming with ya, or calling your wife names. That cool with you?
THAT the gentlemanly thing to do? We’ll just bounce right up on that bravo train of sitting back and see what happens to ya, instead of absolutely hating that Alex was a victim of Jill and Kelly.
What ever makes you happy.
Damn me and my single note song…
@SimonVankempen: TO: @Damnert You’ve heard about 1 DM & yet you condemn me outright. Oh so fickle. Genuinely you know not of what you speak. Thankfully in the USA we have a jury of 12 & not 1.
I was interested to note that Simon did own sending that private tweet to Chris asking her to “park” Kelly’s old name. The conversation goes on and it isn’t pretty, you can read all of Simon and Damnert’s Tweets here:
Other Twitter members got involved and it got pretty heated, some took up Simon’s cause, others backed Damnert. For my part, I’m glad I wasn’t home! 🙂
I know there are those of you Twitter genius’ out there that can pull up the entire conversations between two Twitter accounts easily, maybe someone can post that for us?
Don’t forget tonight on Bravo, The Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Part 1…and stop back tomorrow for my recap on the Atlanta ladies as they talk with Andy.
Until Next Time….