When Season Four of RHNYC was postponed, we decided to research the net and give our own version of the reality show. Unfortunately, the early draft based on their real lives was a “snooze fest.” The members of this blog had viewed one too many trips to the spa.
Down the Rabbit Hole by quincyil
The plan on the white board at 30 Rock in the windowless room assigned to the producers and editors of “The Real Housewives of New York City” was to have the stars of “The Real Housewives of New York City” gather at the med spa of Cindy Barstop. They hoped for drama as Ramona had been experiencing mood swings and she had tweeted that she would be filming at the salon this week with Alex. The goal of the Employer is to create drama by placing housewives in stressful situations.
Limousine after limousine arrived at the spa and the ladies with perfect makeup, styled hair, and designer clothes arrived to have the skin refreshed, unwanted hair removed and to be filmed.
Jill Zarin had two plans. In the show, Jill Zarin would return to the humor and fun of Season One of “The Real Housewives of New York City.” Jill Zarin believed she was the star of the show in Season One. Her new friend and companion in New York City would be Cindy Barstop who she would embrace as her new side kick, not psychic. The second plan was to punish Alex McCord for embarrassing Jill throughout Season Three. Jill would not do this on camera; there would be a campaign on the internet and in the gossip media. The employer would never film this and the public would never know of Jill’s second plan.
The ladies were gathered in the salon for cocktails as all med spa treatments in New York City require self-medication. Ramona brought her own bottle of Pinot Grigio. Each of “The Real Housewives of New York City” had learned valuable lessons from Season Three. They were determined to “look good” in Season Four. Each of the housewives went into a private room, had massive amounts of Botox and fillers. Each of them had laser removal of hair. The treatments caused their faces to turn red and become swollen. No one wanted to be filmed looking like this. After texting each other with their escape plans, they put on scarves that covered their faces and ran past the cameramen, ran down the hall, refused to let anyone in their elevator, ran across the lobby, pushed through the door, and jumped in their limousines. The cameramen filmed then as they scurried away, but there was no “meet and greet” as had been planned at 30 Rock.
The Employer was frustrated as his production teams had been at work for six weeks, yet no one could tell him the story line for Season Four. The Employer sensed that there was something going on. During a production staff meeting, he decided to send “The Real Housewives of New York City” to “Scary Country.” An unpaid intern was asked to find a tour guide for the group of real housewives. She found one on twitter and the arrangement were made. The Employer was pleased at the news that the housewives would be in a situation that would lead to conflict and drama.
Behind the scenes “The Real Housewives of New York City were interacting with each other and with fans in a way that the Employer would have loved to film.
In the madness of Season Three of “The Real Housewives of New York City,” a movement was born in cyberspace. When no one would listen to the fans’ outrage at the behavior of Jill Zarin, a wordpress blog was born. It was called, “I Hate Jill Zarin.” With that name, the battle lines were drawn and the forces of Jill Zarin were engaged.
Simon and Alex were authors in the true sense of that word. They had written a book, “Little Kids, Big City.” The publishers set up a tour around our nation and one of the cities was Chicago. Alex and Simon had used twitter and facebook to contact fans in various cities to rally support for their book signings. One of those twitter friends was the creator of a blog called “I Hate Jill Zarin.” Simon sent a DM over twitter to the creator asking her to organize a cocktail party for Chicago bloggers who write blogs about “The Real Housewives of New York City.” The blog owner agreed to do this.
The blog owner had published a blog rallying her followers and other bloggers in the area to come to the book signing of Alex and Simon. She invited everyone online to that cocktail party. This was a fan event organized by fans of Alex and Simon and fans of “The Real Housewives of New York City.”
Jill Zarin was at home in her bed curled up with the covers over her head when she looked at a site that was not her favorite. She was incensed to discover that Alex and Simon were going to go to a cocktail party organized by that woman. Jill called her assistant, Darren, and asked him to place a call to Simon van Kempen. Simon answered and was asked to wait on the line while Jill took her time picking up the phone. Jill said, “Simon, I see you are going to Chicago.” Simon, who had his younger son on his lap, said, “Chicago? Oh, the book tour. Yes, it’s on our schedule.” “ How is your book tour going, Jill?” Jill was enraged. She said, “Simon, I know about the cocktail party arranged by the woman who created, “THATblog!” Simon was quiet for the moment. Jill continued, “I know that you are doing this to punish me. You do know that I have been upset with that woman for months. I can’t believe Alex is going along with this. I apologized to Alex and that should be enough! What you are doing is outrageous! I want you to cancel that cocktail party with that woman!” Simon wanted to explain his reason for not cancelling that cocktail party as he had asked that blog owner to arrange the event and he knew many fans were attending, but as he tried to explain, Jill slammed the phone down and the lines of communication were severed. Simon told Alex and she knew that Jill would have a strong reaction if she found out, but how did Jill find out? Neither of them had told a soul in New York City.
In the kitchen of the Brooklyn Brownstown with a white brick façade, Alex listened to Simon’s end of the phone conversation. Alex said, “Simon, we cannot cancel that event. We asked them to organize it. Why does Mommy Dearest think she can tell us what to do with our fans and our book tour?” Simon said, “That’s Jill.” Simon then rolled his tongue and made the sounds of Jill Zarin which sounded like the death wail.
Simon and Alex arrived in Chicago with their children and stayed on the north side in a place that Alex had lived during her years at Northwestern University. Alex had a Chicago connection with the bloggers. The fans of the “THATblog!” saw her as one of our own. Local bloggers and fans went to the successful book signing and the cocktail party that followed the booksigning. They loved meeting the real couple, Alex and Simon, who were genuine and kind. They loved the stories of New York City. They loved the stories of Brooklyn. The fans were in heaven. The owner of “I Hate Jill Zarin” blogged about meeting Alex and Simon. She described their clothes, the evening, and how real they were.
The “I Hate Jill Zarin” blog’s title caught the attention of many in cyberspace. The regular contributors would read and post, but there were thousands of unique visitors that stopped by to read the discussions on Bravo shows. One of those visitors was Alice. Alice read the blog from Chicago on her Blackberry in NYC. Alice knew Bobby Zarin. She had known him for years as she was his customer. Alice had watched “The Real Housewives of New York City” and she shared her thoughts on Jill Zarin’s performance in Season Three of “The Real Housewives of New York City” at “THATblog!” Alice told tales about New York City and celebrities. Alice described beautiful bridges, restaurants and the many neighborhoods in Manhattan. The other members of the board loved her stories. Alice, like many of those who comment on “THAT blog!” had been shocked by the betrayal of Bethenny Frankel by Jill Zarin in Season Three and the vile treatment of Alex McCord by Jill Zarin at the Season Three Reunion of “The Real Housewives of New York City.”
An opportunity was offered to the creator of “I Hate Jill Zarin.” She began to record a radio podcast about the reality stars of Bravo. Alice had become a friend of the blog creator so she called Simon and asked him for his support for the new radio podcast in the form of advertising and being interviewed. It was filming season and Simon was under contract so he could not give an interview. Instead, he invited Alice to his own home for an event that Bravo was not filming. Alex had invited real friends to celebrate two birthdays as the boys were born in the same month of different years. Alice was thrilled. She shared her joy with the creator of the blog. She would write about her experience at the van Kempen home on “THATblog!”
On the day of the event, Alice was so happy. She left her Manhattan in long, shiny, black limousine for the Brownstone with a white façade in Brooklyn. Like many people living in Manhattan, Alice had never gone to Brooklyn. She loved the river and the beautiful bridge and she sent messages on her phone to the owner of “THATblog!” Both were fans of Alex McCord and Simon van Kempen who took time from their busy schedule to care about fans who are in fact real people with real feelings.
Jill Zarin was shopping with her daughter and the paid photographers that follow her around New York City. She was having a great day posing for the camera in a shoe store. Jill made comments about her fellow housewives and wrote blogs about “The Housewives of OC” even commenting on the marriage of one housewife which did not please that housewife’s estranged husband. Jill felt that everyone would benefit from her advice and do what she tells them to do. All of the Employer’s employees had heard this sentence: “Jill Zarin is not happy.”
Simon and Alex welcomed Alice into their home. Alice met the chums, the two small boys of Alex and Simon. She was introduced to Alex’s friends and neighbors as a friend from Manhattan. One of Alex’s friends quietly talked to Alice about the show as the others really did not watch Alex and Simon on TV. Alice was in heaven. They had cake and drinks. Alice was given a tour of their beautiful home. Alice called for her limousine and returned to Manhattan to blog on her experience at “I Hate Jill Zarin.” Alice included a photo of herself with the Alex and Simon in their home. The members of the board of “THATblog!” were in heaven. They loved hearing about the real family that lived in Brooklyn and the real people who were gracious and kind to Alice.
In her bed that evening, Jill Zarin read the blog that was not her favorite as she did every day. Jill Zarin commanded Darren, her assistant to call Simon van Kempen. Simon answered and waited for Jill Zarin to come to the phone. Jill Zarin was prepared to battle. She spoke quickly, “Simon, how could you have someone from that blog at your house? I can’t believe that you and Alex are doing this! Those people are haters! They are bullies! I will never forgive Alex for this.” Then Jill Zarin, the Queen of Hearts, said, “Off with their heads!” Jill slammed the phone before Simon could speak a word. Jill Zarin commanded Darren to purge her website, facebook and twitter lists of anyone having anything to do with “THATblog!” Innocent fans of “The Real Housewives of New York City” were sent into exile in the darkness of cyberspace as their names were removed from Jill’s list of fans for the serious injury that had been inflicted on Jill Zarin at a birthday party for two little boys.
Simon and Alex were in shock. They understood that the web site, “I Hate Jill Zarin,” was a fan web site like all of the others. They too have feelings about Jill Zarin’s biting words and cruel treatment of her fellow housewives and of themselves in the last three years. They had chosen to move forward as they had to make a living in Brooklyn. All of Jill Zarin’s anger against fans who had rejected her in Season Three had been directed at one blog, “THAT blog!”
Alice did not know of the Queen of Heart’s displeasure or her plans for Alex and Alice. Alice and the people who wrote comments on “THATblog” were blissfully unaware of the Jill Zarin’s obsession with their blog. The owner of “THATblog! watched Jill’s reaction on twitter following the blog from Alice. She knew that something was going on in a high rise on the Upper East Side, but she didn’t know the lengths that Jill Zarin would go to get her revenge on people who would dare to discuss her behavior during season three on the Internet.
The Employer’s unpaid intern had located a tour guide service for “The Real Housewives of New York City.” The Morocco Escort Service was working overtime preparing for the visit of “The Real Housewives of New York City” to the “Scary Country.” The unpaid intern had made a small error and no one at 30 Rock discovered that mistake. The email address of “The Morocco Escort Service” said, “Afghanistan.”