I Hate Jill Zarin Guest Blog by Rich Amons!
I asked Rich to write a blog for us, I really didn’t care where he posted it, I just love reading what he has to say, he has such a great sense of humor. If you haven’t read his Bravotv.com blogs while the show was airing, you really should, he’s a funny guy! I think he should guest blog all the shows on Bravotv.com! I was thrilled that he agreed to let me post his blog here on IHJZ web site for us all to enjoy, Thank you Rich!
ManRules Reality Show Lessons Learned-Part One by Rich Amons
Since Real Housewives of DC was not reelected to a second term, I mean, not “Renewed” for a second season by Bravo TV powers that be, I have had ample time to reflect on what I could have done better in my role as a DC Househusband that could have possibly helped the show garner a second season. It’s a sharp blow to my outsized ego not to at least be asked to step up and fill in for the Major Asshat role of Natasha and Boris Bedonov on the DC version in a Season Two scenario for which I thought I was well suited. This left me with time to spare since I have had no lines to memorize, no hair or manscaping to tend to, no wardrobe issues, Botox injections and laserlipo appointments to make, no acting classes to take to prepare for the role of playing myself, etc.. So it gave me time to contemplate my navel, I mean, contemplate the reality show universe and how I could improve if ever given another shot at 15 minutes of Fame….
I have been carefully studying BevHills, OC, NJ and NYC shows for Man Rule Clues and tips for reality show success so when ESPN-10 starts up it’s slate of reality based programming, I will be ready with head shot and resume in hand…. with 20/20 Hindsight, these are some notes to myself I thought I would share for comment and discussion;
1) Be Present During Filming- instead of taking kids to travel tournaments, school outings, and tending to work related issues, like work, I should have been more present in the daily filming and insisted on travelling everywhere with Mary to provide constant emotional support(and light make up touch ups-like holding her lipstick), security protection from Flying Vino glasses, drunken accusations and pretzel logic, as well being able to help discern the proper temperature and stemware to serve the Chardonnay v. Cabernet at the end of a long day of filming. I could also play the role of A-Hole, well, 1) Because I am good at it, while Mary is far too nice, naïve, and gracious(and a clean freak on top of it all) to throw mud around while I am extremely comfortable in making deserving people feel uncomfortable and; 2) Well, I am very good at being an A-hole- ask my kids… Honey Badger Parenting at it’s finest… 😉
ManRule Reality Show Failure –Be Camera Ready at all Times, Cancel Real Life!
2) Wardrobe- I should have taken a page out of Mauricio (as taught to him by Matt McConaughey) book and simply removed my shirt for pivotal family scene’s (Don’t get me wrong, Mauricio seems great, total man crush on the dude, great John Turtorro-Gilad Jaklowicz upgrade). Bravo Camera’s were unavailable (Expensive and the Cameraman were afraid of sand & water…you know who you are -B_atches) for my surfing safari’s where I often wear just surf trunks, wetsuits or rash gaurds at most, so mostly half naked, and which as we all learned from watching Kelly Slater on Baywatch, means just one thing, (No, not getting to sleep with Pamela Anderson!) RATING’S GOLD! It’s no secret I prefer to wear a Speedo under my surf trunks as I prefer my wedding tackle to feel secure in rough water environments which often leads to trunk malfunctions and glimpse’s of a my Bar Stool Squat Honed Backside which can be cross marketed to male and female audiences alike to increase the audience base which I am perfectly ok with if tastefully done…..
Man Rule Reality Show Failure- Lose the Shirt, wear a dress and heels, don a sock, get ratings! So simple and yet I failed on this account big time!
3) Location Shooting- Vegas Baby- the show needed to get out from the Washington, DC Beltway, an alternative universe if there ever was one, and out into the real world of where rich people congregate and congratulate themselves on being rich and talk about the next new place they can over develop. The Hampton’s, NYC, Santa Barbara,Nantucket, Golf at Pebble Beach or Bandon Dunes, Fly Fishing in Bimini, Dude Ranching in Montana, Surfing in Costa Rica, etc…. Audiences seem to love these trips on Reality Shows as everyone is more relaxed and laid back and are able to get in more candid and alcohol and Xanax( Palindrome- triple word score!) fueled passionate discussions on life, love, and the pursuit of happiness and leave their petty poor self esteem driven white girl issues behind them so we can truly connect with them as people who are just like the rest of us…. What? That’s not true? Oh, well, sorry I am not sorry, but you have to admit, exotic trips to Morocco and Virgin Islands and All Star weekends in Vegas do help the fur fly and the ratings soar!
Man Rule Reality Show Failure- when in Reality Show Ratings Doubt- ROADTRIP!
4) Drop a Beat or Two- I failed to drop a beat by releasing a Club Mix Trip-Hop single and following it up with appearances at clubs where boyz outnumber women 3-1. I know people in the music biz and they are very talented and successful and have their own studio’s etc., but did I do it? Noooo, I was afraid even Auto Tune couldn’t help my tone deaf vocal chords but that was pure vanity on my part as it hasn’t stopped anyone else from dropping singles of varied quality! As far as clubbing it up, I love clubs where the bass is making my chest explode, and the treble ripping to shreds my eardrums (and what’s left of my hearing!) and being served drinks by topless male bartenders. Why do I love these places, It’s my best chance to spend quality time with Mary and Lolly on a Summer night in Ibiza! Say what you will about “ The Gay’s” they can dance, talk, drink and keep a party going all night long so husbands don’t have to! (Actually that’s my only real major concern with Marriage Equality legislation, if common sense prevails and it passes in more Blue States, will increased civil rights like marriage take the Party out of the “Community” and they become boring, predictable and straight? Careful what you wish for Bitches, but I digress big time!) Again, I didn’t take one for the team, big mistake!
ManRule Reality Show Failure- Don’t fear Auto Tune or clubs named Firehouse, FirePole or some variation of a Fireman and Mustache, Bears v. Twinks themes, it’s Bravo, it’s a safe place.
5) Family Scenes- our family is very, very large and diverse, we can amuse ourselves for hours making fun of whoever just got up and left the room… that is not true, house rules are “Say it to their face or don’t say it”, which can make for interesting “discussions”. Now, that’s not to say that lingering and long festering Family of Origin Issues would be raised on camera at parties or in the back of limo’s, or a fist fight would break out by the Punch Bowl at the Annual Family Festivus, but our family is not only large in number, but large in physical size, so fist fighting is best left to people who believe they still have something to prove from High School, we would rather verbally tick each other off, but off camera, which didn’t bode well for ratings…
ManRule Reality Show Failure- Add Real Family Fighting/Yelling Scenes better left off camera to the mix…
6) Borrow Concepts that Work and Make Them Your Own- I noticed that Wine Spilling, although a definite ManRule Violation on RHoDC, was brushed off and polished up and made ready for prime time for RHWoOC. Chicks flinging wine on each other works (even the now over done, Bravo Central Casting BFF gay sidekick throwing wine back was amusing) so imitation can be the sincerest form of flattery and help the ratings. But I think you need to be careful what you borrow, dinner in Napa is romantic, I’m down with that, but underwater bubble bath scene dealio’s, I felt like I fell asleep watching Showtime and woke up at 3AM to Lady Chatterley’s Lover Part 6- bad soft porn! I don’t want to know what anyone does behind closed doors, much less Bravolebrities! Stay Classy Bravo! Dogs Work- I love Lolly’s dog Kona and felt Giggy the Pom stole the show (Sorry Lisa&Ken- I will adopt Giggy in a heartbeat and knit him sweaters all day long), but like the old Hollywood adage of warning against “working with children and animals”, it can be dicey, so be careful!
ManRule Reality Show Failure- Borrow liberally for what works, but be careful, table flipping is not for everyone and should be considered as advanced as having a psychic show up for a dinner party!
7) Celebrity Bloggers- RHoNJ get’s Jay Mohr to blog?? I mean, c’mon, how unfair is that, to get ripped on by professional Comedian only helps ratings! I know Jay is Joey Gorga’s Heterosexual Life Mate and maybe this was some “package” deal worked out as part of the WWHL appearance, but not for nuthin, more comedians ripping on Bravo Shows please, if Bravo Andy can arrange it, he should. Liquid Ratings Gold! ManRule Reality Show Failure- didn’t recruit a comedic blogger,or NY Magazine or even Richard from Gawker could have worked well, even Jeff Lewis, keep it in the Bravo Frat House, would have been great. The crux of the shows are “ Real Life is Funny” or maybe that’s just me, but highlight the absurdity and stop blaming the editing! So many reality show lessons to be learned, so little time to learn them, I will need to create a new chapter in my ManRules book called “Reality Shows- Know Before You Go” to provide some hopefully helpful guidance to the new and upcoming reality stars as it’s a growing market and the best experience is garnered from watching other’s mistakes. As you all know, I have a AssHat for every day of the year so if I can help others avoid mistakes, then my work on behalf of Reality TV is complete. Stay tuned for my next blog- “How to Handle A Reality Show Reunion with Class and Dignity” followed by “Reality Show Reunions-Total Sh*TShows”. Til next time, follow me on Twitter @RichAmons and look out for my “under construction.”
ManRules website soon for more babble and drivel. Mazel Mazel People!
Thank you so much for sharing your blog with us Rich! How can you not love this guy! Bravo really needs to find a place for Rich Amons! I’m honored that you allowed me to post your blog here! Hysterical!
On a similar note, wouldn’t it be great if Cat was on The Real Housewives of New York next season and the Amons family visited the show, along with Lynda and Ebong? No, I’m not giving up, I’ll never give up! Write to Andy!
Rocco’s Dinner Party by Quincy IL
The Mystery Guest
There are three chefs in Rocco’s Loft for this “Signature Dish Challenge.” The time allowed is 30 minutes to create a dish that represents the chef. Two chefs will go on to create a dinner party and the winning chef receives $20,000.
The Chefs are Joe Gorgano, King Phojanakong, and Michelle Karrom. Joel is a high school culinary arts teacher. King owns and manages two Manhattan restaurants. Michelle is a personal chef and mother.
The chefs are told to start immediately. Rocco checks on them and discusses their preparation and cooking.
Joel makes seared duck salad with a red wine reduction His scored duck was cooked perfectly. There was an academic feel to his food. Rocco would prefer a homey warm feeling for his guests. Rocco said, “Those that can do, do. Those who can’t, teach.” Then he complimented the teacher on his food.
King created a stir fry that was perfect, but he failed to plate his scallops in time so they were not on the judge’s table.
Michelle tried to make a Cajun dish which normally takes 4 hours. She leaves a whole crawfish on the plate and Rocco asks if he is to eat it whole. Michelle’s strategic thinking was questioned by Rocco. There was a taste of flour in her dish.
Joel won the challenge and Michelle was sent home. King is safe even though he did not manage well in the time frame. The remaining chefs get $500.00 to shop.
The mystery guests have requested fresh ingredients, food from Bali and Rome, and spices.
Jes Gordon meets with the two chefs to discuss the décor and ambience of their dinner parties. Jes has trouble getting Joel’s creative juices flowing. He eventually decides to brand himself and have chalkboards that ask what the judges would like to teach if they were teachers. Spices will be on shelves on the walls.
King knows that he wants to go the Bali Beach route. He is Pilipino and Taiwanese so he understands the spices of that part of the world. He wants a scooter in the corner and wants his guests to kick their shoes off. He loves color and wants pineapples and fruit on the table.
Joel will steam mussels and clams to maintain the natural flavors as the guests asked him to do. That will be served with a parsley and fennel salad. The second course will be Borlotti bean stew with homemade Dijon sausage. His final course will be sourdough bread pudding with cardamom ice cream.
King is preparing a papaya salad with grilled shrimp. On the dish will be sweet ribs and oysters. The next course will be seafood curry with mussels, scallops and shrimp. Finally, he will serve a Panna Cotta with coconut lemon grass.
Joel is very messy in the kitchen and King who has lots of restaurant experience thinks he is better prepared for the challenge. King would never hire Joel to work in his kitchen. Rocco checks on them and then goes to meet his guests. The first and most talkative is Mary Alice Stephenson, a style and beauty expert. Bebel Gilbert is a Brazilian singer. Cindy Leive is the Editor in Chief of Glamour. DL Hugley is an actor and comedian.
Padma Lakshma is a judge on Bravo and she is introduced to the chefs. She gives them a small container of spice and they have to make an appetizer in 10 minutes. Padma is Rocco’s mystery guest and the party is for her. The other guests miss that because Mary Alice can’t stop talking.
The guests enter Joel’s dining room and they love it. They play the game that Joel left on blackboards on the table and have a great beginning to their dinner party. Padma would teach literature. Gilles and Bebel love music. Joel asks the waiter to tell the guests to play the game. Later, Rocco said this is the academic in Joel.
The waiters serve Joel’s 5minute tuna with Padma’s Spices. King used salmon. Both fish can be served raw and with only 5 minutes it is their only option. The guests like Joel’s tuna better.
Joel is struggling in the kitchen and he serves first. His Parmesan Tuile fell apart. His steamed mussels were wonderful and two people who never had mussels before liked them. His sausage needed more spice and it would have been nice to have a spoon of Dijon mustard next to it. They loved his bread pudding and cardamom ice cream very much.
King feels he will win. His first dish is very attractive. There is a papaya salad with shrimp, pork spears, and pork spring rolls. The judges say it is restaurant fair and a safe choice. His second course is fried rice with crab and chicken. Padma loved the rice. The guests loved the panno cotta which had the perfect taste and texture.
The guests shared with Rocco who returns to the kitchen to tell Joel that he won. King felt robbed and he was unhappy to be sent home. The high school teacher joins the guests for the celebration and may use his $20,000 to start a restaurant with his wife.
Kathy Griffin’s new special aired last night on Bravo, I really liked her “My Life On The D List” and I’m disappointed that she won’t be filming it anymore but her special is hysterical! If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend it. She talks about Phaedra from Atlanta, and a whole lot more! Great stuff Kathy Griffin!
She’s back! And Really Old Housewife has some things to say to Bravo!
Another great blog by LadyBrooks:
It’s good to know that Jillsy’s people aren’t only harassing me but other bloggers too! (Allegedly)
Terry Aley has some interesting stuff in his blog today:
We all know that they filmed the Real Housewives of New York reunion today, here are some messages from The ladies on Twitter:
BravoAndy Andy Cohen We just wrapped the RHNYC reunion. It was EPIC. I can barely hear. (Maybe I lost my temper at the ladies!) I need a drink.
@JillZarin: Omg! What a day!!! (Jill Tweeted this photo to go along with her genius take on the day)
@CountessLuann: Having a great time with the girls! #RHONYReunionShow
ramonasinger We ALL survived! Lol
Have you all seen this photo of Jill Zarin? Who dresses her in the morning? WOW!
And check out this one of Jillsy.. She is showing her Squeeze undies … classy Jill! http://twitpic.com/5ehc7z
Is everyone ready for tonight? The Real Housewives of New York at 10pm/9pm Central, then Watch What Happens Live with Jill Zarin…augh!
After that listen to Carly and I diss about the Real Housewives live! You can listen here:
Call In Show With Carly Hall Co Hosted with Lynn Hudson: http://t.co/6gLK4ah
You can follow Carly on Twitter: @Prettyplusmore and I’m @LynnNChicago
Just because they are hysterical a few photos by MickeyMouth @Mickeymouth1: